


here is the deepest secret nobody knows

by Seeker



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-03
Updated: 2015-02-03
Packaged: 2018-03-10 07:41:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3282374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seeker/pseuds/Seeker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oikawa Tooru is twenty-four when he proposes to Iwaizumi Hajime. Everything is as it should be (but it isn’t).</p>
            </blockquote>





	here is the deepest secret nobody knows

**Author's Note:**

> The title was inspired by E.E. Cummings' poem, "I Carry Your Heart." It's beautiful.

Oikawa smiled as he exited Sendai Station, whistling cheerfully as he walked lightly into busy crowds.

It was a sunny day, small patches of clouds littering azure sky as a small breeze flitted teasingly about. People moved briskly, intent on specific destinations as trains rattled by quickly.

Oikawa continued traversing through the populace until he reached the exit of the station, and after passing through the entry way, came into busy streets bustling with life.

Today, Oikawa was a man on an important mission.

Humming softly, he stopped near a bus stop, a small crowd gathering around as city buses roared past. Soon enough, the public vehicle pulled up and opened its doors, inviting the small gathering inside in quick fashion.

Oikawa quickly boarded, picking up his ticket before looking up to scan at the seating options.Seeing an empty seat, he sped towards it, settling himself down while he waited for the automobile to start on his way.

People shifted around him, jostling each other, loud voices carrying throughout the bus; before long, the doors closed with a mechanical click and they all lurched forward with the transportation’s momentum.

Oikawa was relaxing in his seat when he glanced up and noticed an elderly woman staggering about, lurching with busy bodies and rough roads. Noting her frazzled appearance and haggard expression, the dark haired man swiftly stood up and reached over to take her arm, gently leading her to his sitting arrangement.

The elderly woman blinked in surprise as she was placed into the seat, peeking up to take note of Oikawa’s grin.

“A lovely lady like you should not be forced to stand,” he said, sunny exterior charming her.

The elderly woman smiled, adjusting her small spectacles as she answered smoothly, “I think my age is far from ‘lovely,’ young man.”

“A lady is a lovely lady, regardless of age, ma’am,” he said delightfully, smiling as she laughed.

“Thank you for the seat,” she said warmly. “My name is Kobayashi Ayumi, what is yours, young man?”

“Oikawa Tooru,” he stated, giving another quick smile as he reached to grab hold of the hand rail. “What brings you here into the city today, ma’am?”

“I’m here visiting family,” she answered demurely. “It’s been quite a while since I have seen the grandchildren, and I miss them so.”

“Grandchildren are serious business,” he said, nodding in understanding. “I hope you see them soon.”

The two lapsed into a comfortable quiet, the only sounds consisting of other inhabitants of the vehicle.

Observing his content expression, Kobayashi chanced a question herself, curious. “And what brings you here as well, Oikawa-san?”

He perked, peeking down at her. “Ah, just important business today~”

She raised an eyebrow. “Important business, you say?” Seeing that his constant smile was genuine, soft, she was struck with a sense of déjà vu, recognizing his expression well. “Is today a special occasion?”

Oikawa laughed, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. “I suppose you can say that.” He gave a stunning smile.

Kobayashi stared at his upturn lips, frowning as she felt as if he was faking. “Is something the matter, Oikawa-san?”

He started, looking surprise. “Ehhh?”

“You look a bit…nervous,” she explained, her wrinkled features forming into a grandmotherly like air. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine,” Oikawa said, laughing a little.

She gave an unimpressed look.

Oikawa’s laughter faded before he sighed. Looking around conspiratorially, he leaned towards her.

“Actually, I am feeling a bit anxious,” he admitted, brown eyes lighting with worry.

“What about?” She inquired, curious.

“Well…” Oikawa appeared to struggle with himself before he confessed softly, “I plan to propose to my best friend today.”

“Oh my,” she exclaimed gently, covering her mouth in pleasant surprise. “That’s wonderful!”

“You can say that,” Oikawa murmured wryly, looking to the side.

She frowned at his sudden change, worried. “Is something the matter with that?” She paused. “Do you not want to propose to her?”

“No!” He burst out panicky. Noting her amused expression, he situated his expression back into a content expression. “Everything’s fine.”

She pursed her lips, seeing right through him.

Oikawa faltered, feeling nostalgic as he was reminded of another individual who could see the real him.

“All right,” he muttered. “I’m just afraid that he’ll say no.”

Inwardly surprised at hearing the male pronoun, she composed herself, deciding that whether or not the young man standing before her loved another male, love was love, and she advocated that completely.

“Why would he say no?” She gently pressed, inviting him to speak.

Oikawa warred with himself before sighing and letting go. “He’s my best friend,” he explained. “He knows everything- _everything_ \- about me.” He winced. “He knows all the…undesirable traits. All my less than perfect sides, all the embarrassing things- everything. He sees right through me, and isn’t afraid of saying no to me.” His smiled before he dejectedly slumped. “This is why I’m afraid that he’ll say no this time as well.”

She clucked her tongue, shaking her head slightly. “Just because he knows _you_ do not mean he may not feel the same. You are best friends, yes?” Seeing him nod, she continued on, curious. “What is he like, if you do not mind me asking?”

Oikawa stood back, musing a little before answering, “He’s… loyal. He’s stuck by my side through thick and thin.” His lips quirked fondly as his mind traveled elsewhere. “He once promised to always be by me.”

_Oikawa Tooru is eight years old when Iwaizumi Hajime shocks him._

_“Stop crying already, dumb Oikawa,” Iwaizumi muttered, leading the younger boy by the hand as they walked home. “They’re not going to mess with you again.” He stopped as the latter paused, looking back to meet with bright eyes._

_Oikawa sniffled before he broke down into ugly bawling, cheeks rudd_ _y as fresh tears spilled down. “Y-you think that, but they’ll come back!” He wiped at his face, dropping his butterfly net. “They always do,” he tearfully said, lips trembling. “It’s because I’m small, and- and weird.” He looked up at Iwaizumi, face hopeful. “Do you think I’m weird?”_

_“Yes, you’re weird,” Iwaizumi said bluntly._

_Oikawa’s face fell, and he began to pull away before Iwaizumi said, haltingly. “But I don’t care about that.”_

_The younger boy looked up, taking note of the embarrassed flush coming over the elder’s face. “You don’t?”_

_“No,” Iwaizumi muttered, leaning down to pick up the discarded net as they began walking again._

_“The other boys do,” Oikawa said sadly, sniffling a little more._

_“Well, they won’t be able to say it to your face if I’m there,” Iwaizumi answered hotly, glaring ahead._

_Oikawa perked at that, intent. “You’ll be there with me?”_

_“_ _Yeah.”_

_Oikawa chanced his luck a little more. “Tomorrow?”_

_"Yeah.”_

_“The whole week?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“The whole year?”_

_Iwaizumi stopped so suddenly that the curly haired boy nearly collided with his back. Turning around, the older boy stared at Oikawa before saying firmly, no question about it. “Forever. I’ll be by your side forever.” Cheeks flushing, Iwaizumi turned forward again, dragging Oikawa along. “So shut up already,dumb head. I’m with you forever, so don’t cry.”_

_Despite his orders, Oikawa managed to cry harder, though this time, they were tears of joy._

“That’s absolutely precious,” Kobayashi cooed, taking note of Oikawa’s fond smile. “What else is he like?”

Oikawa thought a little more before a mischievous smirk graced his face. “Most times, he acts like my second mom. He always takes care of me and prevents me from doing anything ridiculously asinine.”

_Oikawa Tooru is eleven years old when he almost falls to his death._

_He had recently found the phenomenon of aliens to be absolutely amazing, and decided one night to sneak out to sit on top of his roof with a telescope to catch sight of UFOs._

_Sure, Iwaizumi had yelled at him and called him mean names when Oikawa suggested the idea, but whatever! Iwaizumi was no fun when it comes to danger and Oikawa was intent on catching sight of his first UFO._

_It was dark, the only guiding light were the neighborhood lamps and night stars._

_Oikawa had successfully climbed the roof, and after exploring the area as best as he could, was ready to go back to his telescope when he heard an enraged whisper._

_“You idiot, what do you think you’re doing!”_

_Oikawa glanced down at the source of noise, eyes adjusting to see Iwaizumi’s spiky head peeking out of his bedroom window._

_“Ah, ah, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa clucked. “You broke into my house!”_

_“Yeah, I had to because some moron decided to do something stupid late at night!”_

_Oikawa laughed quietly, balancing himself on the roof as he stared down at his best friend. “It’s not stupid, Iwa-chan! It’s a step forward!” He gestured wildly. “Come on! Come up here, and then we can see the UFOs together on the roof!”_

_“Yeah, I’ll do that- if I wanted to die!” Iwaizumi retorted. “Get back in here!”_

_Oikawa stuck out his tongue. “You know, Iwa-chan. You’re no fun! Go back home while the cool kids do cool things.”_

_The curly haired boy turned his back and took a step forward towards his telescope—when suddenly, he was slipping. Shrieking in shock, Oikawa attempted to regain his balance before he fell and cracked his head on the roof, blacking out instantly._

_When he came to, he was bombarded with white lights._

_‘The UFOs got a hold of me,’ was his thought, before he registered the yelling._

_Shifting his head minutely, Oikawa could blearily make out Iwaizumi’s face._

_“Oikawa! Oikawa, wake up! Oikawa!” The spiky haired boy was beginning to get increasingly more upset, face beginning to twist as he lowly sobbed out, “ **Tooru** —“ _

_“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa whispered, shocking the other boy. “It’s okay.” He smiled. “The aliens saved me.”_

_It took three seconds before Iwaizumi began screaming in rage._

_Oikawa later found out during his stay in the hospital the real story: he had slipped, knocking himself out and sliding towards the edge when the other boy managed to grab hold of him and hung on. Iwaizumi’s yells woke Oikawa’s parents and the neighbors up, and the adults quickly took control of the situation, bringing Oikawa back to safety._

_Everyday Iwaizumi came to visit, from the hospital to his home, and tended to his every need without much complaint… until he figured out that Oikawa was actually better and was using his kindness for all its worth._

_Despite his yells towards the younger boy, Iwaizumi stuck close, watching over him, and the care increasing later throughout when Oikawa fell in love with volleyball and trained his body to exhaustion._

_Iwaizumi was always there to take care of him._

“He’s the one I trust the most,” Oikawa told Kobayashi, the latter listening intently. “You could say he’s my pillar.”

_Oikawa Tooru was fifteen years old when he was dumped by a girl._

_He had sulked for days, going about sadly before Iwaizumi came to his house. “_

_Oi, Asskawa,” Iwaizumi said roughly. “Get over it already.”_

_“Iwa-chan, don’t be so mean,” Oikawa had chided, though without much flair as usual. He smiled. “I’m perfectly fine, after all.”_

_Iwaizumi glared at him. “Yeah, right. You’re so convincing, moping about over someone who dumped you.”_

_Oikawa’s smile dropped as he looked hurt. “That’s a bit harsh, Iwa-chan.”_

_“But it didn’t change the fact that the girl did,” Iwaizumi said briskly. “And I could see why.” He began ticking down fingers.” Behind that spacey exterior, you actually have a shitty personality. You love volleyball more than anything, so you didn’t give her the time she wanted. Oh, and you forgot her birthday that time, too—“_

_“Okay!” Oikawa burst out, looking kicked. “I get it, all right?” He sighed. “But… even if I was a terrible boyfriend, I liked her. A lot. She deserved better. So I get it.”_

_“No, you don’t,” Iwaizumi growled. “Because even though you have a crap personality, you were devoted in your way. She didn’t bother to understand the real you, so when she saw your truer side, she gave up.” The spiky haired boy nodded determinedly. “She only liked the fake you, you idiot.” He looked away; face a little flush but brooding. “So… give up on her and get over it. The team needs you.” He looks up. “We still gotta beat Ushijima.”_

_Oikawa stared at him for a long time, making the other beginning to feel uncomfortable, before he muttered something._

_“What?”_

_“I said Iwa-chan was actually a nice guy,” Oikawa said gleefully, grinning wildly as Iwaizumi’s face flushed even more. “Who knew that such a mean guy could be such a sweetie.”_

_“Sh-shut up!” Iwaizumi stuttered before turning tail to stomp out, fuming. “Last time I help you, Shittykawa!”_

_Oikawa laughed, feeling his heart weigh lighter than before._

_From childhood to their teenage years, Iwaizumi, no matter how vocally against it, had always physically and mentally supported and watched out for Oikawa, giving him the encouragement he needed to keep moving, offering his shoulder when the weight was too heavy—Iwaizumi was always there, steadfast and strong, like a pillar._

“Despite how weird or annoying I was, he always listened,” Oikawa said, looking intently into kind, old eyes. “And he always gave an answer I needed.”

_Oikawa Tooru was seventeen years old when he began to wonder._

_“Iwa-chan, do you think I’m a heartbreaker?” I_

_waizumi looked up from his studies, eyebrows furrowing. “What?”_

_"Do you think I’m a heartbreaker,” Oikawa repeated, lounging lazily on the couch as he flicked through the TV to find anything pertaining to aliens._

_“I don’t know,” Iwaizumi said irately. “Why?”_

_“Well, some girls described me as a heartbreaker, and I got curious to see what you think.” Oikawa sat quietly, before saying, “I guess I can see why.” He laughed a touch self-deprecatingly. “I play with people’s feelings, mess with them, use them. And then I ditch them.”_

_Iwaizumi was quiet before he began talking. “I think you’re a heartbreaker.”_

_Oikawa tried his hardest to not let emotion show, but like always, Iwaizumi saw right through him._

_“It’s not because of those reasons,” Iwaizumi said, haltingly. “It’s just…” He tried to find the words to describe, looking irritated at the lack of ideas. “It’s because it’s you.”_

_“Because….of me?” Oikawa asked slowly, not understanding._

_Iwaizumi sighed in frustration. “Not like that! Like… you’re a heartbreaker because you’re you. No one can have you, no one can hold you down, no one can own you. You break hearts with your smile, and your passion at volleyball. You break hearts because…the people that want you cannot have you.”_

_Oikawa pondered over the older boy’s words. “Okay,” he finally said._

_“Just… okay?” Iwaizumi said blankly._

_“Yeah.” Oikawa smiled winningly. “Okay, because I didn’t understand your weird explanation.”_

_Iwaizumi scowled. “See if I try to explain shit to you again, dumbass.”_

_Oikawa didn’t admit it aloud, but the answer Iwaizumi gave made perfectly sense, though maybe not in the way Iwaizumi intended._

“He sounds like a lovely young man,” Kobayashi commented. “I’m glad you’re proposing to him.”

“Yeah,” Oikawa agreed, “I… I want him by my side forever, you know? I’m just afraid that…he might say no.”

“You cannot believe that,” the elderly lady exclaimed in disbelief. “He made a promise to stick by you forever. He doesn’t seem the type to give up such a close bond so easily.”

Oikawa sighed, switching arms towards the hand rail as he selected his next words. “I can be…a really awful person, at times.” He looked away, expression somber. “The last time we spoke, it turned into a huge argument. We were fighting over something stupid… and I was… so stressed, and tired, and just... filled with so much pride and a drive to do things bigger than myself. He was only trying to look after me, but…”

“But…?” Kobayashi prompted, gently, as she observed his sad expression.

“I blew up at him, the first time in a long time,” Oikawa whispered. “I… told him I didn’t ever want to see him again.”

Kobayashi kept silent, pondering over his words as Oikawa stared off into the far distance. Finally she straightened up, holding her bag close as she said, “Well, then apologize to him. And then propose to him.”

Oikawa stared. “What?” He blinked. “What if he says no?”

“I do not believe he would hold your harsh words so close to his heart,” Kobayashi said firmly. “Even if he is angry, he would still forgive you.” She laughed a little. “Your stories hold testament to that.”

Oikawa cracked a small smile. “I suppose so.”

“That’s why I believe that no matter what, he would say yes,” she said. “You love him dearly, and I’m absolutely sure that he holds the same sentiment.” She nodded. “So I say go for it. Don’t give up on your love. Be afraid, but keep hope.”

“Hope is such a hard thing to hold,” Oikawa replied softly, but he was smiling, albeit a bit sad. “I want to believe...”

“Then believe,” she pushed. “It will be all right, you will see.”

Oikawa chose that time to glance up towards the front of the bus.

“It appears my stop is coming up,” he said. Turning to her, he gave a smile and reached out to clasp her hand. “Thank you for listening to me, and for the advice.”

She patted his hand. “Just go propose to him already, silly boy.”

The bus pitched to a stop, and people began filing out.

“I will,” Oikawa promised, grinning as he exited the automobile. “Thank you! Good luck on seeing your grandchildren!”

Kobayashi Ayumi watched the young man walk away, her heart light with happiness.She hoped the best for him as well.

\---------------------------------------

Oikawa Tooru is twenty-four years old when he proposed to his best friend, Iwaizumi Hajime.

The young man was nervous as he stood in front of the other, sweating a little besides the light breeze.

“Hey, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa said, smiling nervously. “I want to let you know that you’re the best person in my life. I want to be by your side forever. So…” He leaned down on one knee, taking out a small box. Opening it, a silver ring was inlaid in the velvet interior. “Will you marry me, Iwaizumi Hajime?”

Iwaizumi didn’t answer- couldn’t answer.

Oikawa faltered, before sighing, the sound a forlorn song. “I’m sorry.”

_Oikawa Tooru was twenty-two years old when he got into a major fight with his best friend and secret love, Iwaizumi Hajime._

_“_ _I can handle myself, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa said crossly into the phone, feeling tired and worn out from intense studies and volleyball practice, though, not wanting to admit it to the other. “You’re not my mother, you know.”_

_“I might as well be!” Iwaizumi snapped, voice a tinny noise from the cellular device. “You’re basically acting like a kid! Might as well be your mom, huh!”_

_“Oh, my god. Just listen to yourself, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa sneered. “I’ve been handling things pretty well by myself here for the past few years—without you.”_

_“You’re being worn down, Shittykawa,” Iwaizumi said, “You don’t eat, barely take breaks or showers, don’t go out at all-- all you do is practice volleyball while juggling your studies! You can barely take care of yourself! You’re on a destructive path—“_

_“And so what?” Oikawa shot back. “It’s my life! So leave me alone.”_

_“That’s childish of you to say that, you dumbass!” Iwaizumi’s voice grew lower, as he said,” I’m your best friend, I look out for you.”_

_“_ _Yeah, doing a fine job from where you are,” Oikawa said, sarcastically. “Here’s to what I learned, Iwa-chan. I learned to take care of myself, to not need to depend on you so much anymore.” He ignored the lump that grew steadily in his throat, the lies he kept spouting. “Frankly, I’m not the kid you use to protect, Iwa-chan. You could say…” He breathed. “I don’t need you.”_

_Silence. Then…_

_“Bullshit,” Iwaizumi said, matter-of-factly._

_Oikawa could feel the stress and anxiety bubbling up, all the pent up emotions from loving someone who could never love him back—he snapped._

_“You know what? I’m through! I don’t need this over-protective crap from you!”_

_“You can barely take care of yourself!” Iwaizumi tried to argue. “_ _You need help, admit it. I’ll see you soon.”_

_“_ _Well, I don’t want to see you,” Oikawa hissed, frustration bubbling to maximum point. “I don’t want to see you ever again, because all you do is nag, nag, NAG!”_

_With gusto, Oikawa ended the call before falling into bed, feeling regret and irritation at himself slam into him._

_What he said to Iwaizumi was wrong, and the other didn’t deserve that kind of treatment._

_Oikawa sighed tiredly. He’ll just apologize in the morning._

_It was the middle of the night when his ringing phone woke him up. Seeing Iwaizumi’s name flashing across the screen, he breathed a sigh of relief. He can apologize now._

_“Hello?” He answered the phone, but the voice on the other side was not Iwaizumi._

_“ **Hello? Oikawa-san?”** _

_“Yes…? Who is this? Why do you have Iwa-chan’s phone—“_

_" **This is Miyagi Central Hosital. The owner of this phone, Iwaizumi Hajime, had gotten into a major accident. You were one of his emergency contacts, so we called you right away. Please come quickly, there’s not much time left.”** _

_Oikawa felt his heart stop._

_He came as fast as he could. It was too late._

_He later learned that after the phone call, Iwaizumi had decided to go see him, worried that Oikawa might do something stupid._

_Iwaizumi never saw the car hit him as he tried to cross the street towards Sendai Station._

Oikawa Tooru is twenty-four years old when he finally realizes that Iwaizumi Hajime was never going to give him an answer.

Staring down at his best friend’s grave, Oikawa felt his heart break all over again.

“You know…” Oikawa began, blinking furiously as his hands began to shake, the ring flashing. “I met a nice old lady today. We talked about you.” He nodded, smiling. “Yeah, I was telling her how you were, what you were like.” His smile wobbled. “How much I loved you.”

Iwaizumi’s grave stone sat in silence.

“This ring looks silver,” Oikawa continued on, “But it’s special. The silver fades away to gold after a long time, and Iwa-chan, that’s what I wanted. I wanted us to stay together for a long time. Such a long time that our rings turn from silver to dark gold.” He laughed, though there was no joy in it. “I wanted us to grow old together. I wanted… to stay by you forever.”

He blinked, trying to control himself, but some tears leaked, sliding down his skin in mourning. “Remember when you said how I was a heartbreaker? You were wrong. You’re the heartbreaker… you know why?” Oikawa clutched his chest, feeling pangs throughout. “Because you carried my heart. Always. Iwa-chan... Hajime. It’s always been you. I wanted you... but I couldn’t have you.”

Oikawa leaned down, reaching out to reverently touch the gravestone, but he stopped himself. “I wish I told you how much you meant to me. I wish I told you I loved you.” He smiled bitterly, tears falling freely. “But now it’s too late.”

He leaned forward, head bowed. “She said that I should keep hope…but how can I? You’re not here anymore.” He sat back. “It’s been two years, but it doesn’t hurt any less. I quit volleyball; it reminded me of you too much. I almost starved to death once, because I thought that everything was a dream and that you would come back for me.”

His face twisted, into a smile as best as he could manage. “Iwa-chan, you once promised to stay by my side forever… so where are you?”

He held up the ring again, the silver a soft glow. “Iwaizumi Hajime, will you marry me?”

Oikawa Tooru is twenty-four years old when he waited for the answer that could never be.

**Author's Note:**

> This idea came to me late at night, so I apologize for the OOCness and mistakes throughout! Critiques and reviews are always welcome. :)


End file.
